One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, “Well, she still hasn’t used the gift I bought her last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.….

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My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started.….

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
‘

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.
‘

And that’s how the fight started.….

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started.….

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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven‘t been in a long time!‘ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started.…

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.
‘

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.
‘

And that’s when the fight started.…

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started.….

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
‘

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.
‘

And that’s when the fight started.….

By Gordon Keith

You know what is worse than being a sloppy drunk on New Year’s Eve? Being sober and surrounded by sloppy drunks on New Year’s Eve. I know I risk sounding like your grandmother when I say, “Your grandfather does it like a sex-crazed stallion should … and also, don’t drink,” but I must say it anyway.

Here is a sampling of the drunks I ran into on New Year’s Eve.
Recognize any of them?

The Hollering “Vegas!” Guy: This guy wants everyone within a bullet’s range to hear his witty genius. The problem is that his genius is quoting movie lines and getting them wrong.

The Close Talker: This person, when drunk, gets way up in your grill. He or she spits consonants all over your face while you try to ignore the fire breath and inane remarks. Reflexively, you consider kissing them, but then realize they are the wrong sex. Or are they …

The Sick Drunk: Two hours into the night and she’s sitting out on the curb with her forehead on her knees while one of her fat friends rubs her back. An hour and a half of doing her hair, and now her friend is using bar napkins to wipe out the chunks.

The Point Repeater: This is the guy who issues the same point over and over, with very little change in wording or information, trying to convince you of something nobody cares about. “Dude, you don’t even understand. Grape jelly is totally soooo good.
It’s effing badass!”

The Sexual Girl: This girl is naturally demure, but after a few drinks, she’s trying to make out with the parking lot attendant. She will show her mammaries to strangers and will stick her tongue down the throat of a short guy before throwing up in a urinal.

The Smiling Mute With No Balance: This is the only one of the lot that I like. He is usually propped up against a wall while his friends are arguing with The Point Repeater. He walks as if downhill is every which way, and he is always smiling like a foreigner holding in a funny joke he doesn‘t fully understand.

However, there is one drunk who is charming, clever and as cute as a movie star:

You

The Story Of Beer *sniff* it’s beautiful