One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, “Well, she still hasn’t used the gift I bought her last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.….

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My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started.….

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
‘

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.
‘

And that’s how the fight started.….

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started.….

---------------------—–

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven‘t been in a long time!‘ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started.…

---------------------—–

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.
‘

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.
‘

And that’s when the fight started.…

---------------------—–

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started.….

---------------------—–

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
‘

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.
‘

And that’s when the fight started.….

Tool-Ænema In my opinon is our generations jam band.

Starring O.J. “The Juice” Simpson 

Before

After

The End

By Gordon Keith

You know what is worse than being a sloppy drunk on New Year’s Eve? Being sober and surrounded by sloppy drunks on New Year’s Eve. I know I risk sounding like your grandmother when I say, “Your grandfather does it like a sex-crazed stallion should … and also, don’t drink,” but I must say it anyway.

Here is a sampling of the drunks I ran into on New Year’s Eve.
Recognize any of them?

The Hollering “Vegas!” Guy: This guy wants everyone within a bullet’s range to hear his witty genius. The problem is that his genius is quoting movie lines and getting them wrong.

The Close Talker: This person, when drunk, gets way up in your grill. He or she spits consonants all over your face while you try to ignore the fire breath and inane remarks. Reflexively, you consider kissing them, but then realize they are the wrong sex. Or are they …

The Sick Drunk: Two hours into the night and she’s sitting out on the curb with her forehead on her knees while one of her fat friends rubs her back. An hour and a half of doing her hair, and now her friend is using bar napkins to wipe out the chunks.

The Point Repeater: This is the guy who issues the same point over and over, with very little change in wording or information, trying to convince you of something nobody cares about. “Dude, you don’t even understand. Grape jelly is totally soooo good.
It’s effing badass!”

The Sexual Girl: This girl is naturally demure, but after a few drinks, she’s trying to make out with the parking lot attendant. She will show her mammaries to strangers and will stick her tongue down the throat of a short guy before throwing up in a urinal.

The Smiling Mute With No Balance: This is the only one of the lot that I like. He is usually propped up against a wall while his friends are arguing with The Point Repeater. He walks as if downhill is every which way, and he is always smiling like a foreigner holding in a funny joke he doesn‘t fully understand.

However, there is one drunk who is charming, clever and as cute as a movie star:

You

(from pollstar.com)
Rupert Till, an expert in acoustics and music technology at Huddersfield University, West Yorks, says the standing stones had ideal acoustics.

He says the original Stonehenge, a national monument that has baffled archaeologists who have argued for decades over the stone circle’s 5,000-year history, probably had “a very pleasant, almost concert-like acoustic” that human ancestors slowly perfected over many generations.

Because Stonehenge itself is partially collapsed, Dr. Till used a computer model to conduct experiments in sound.

He says the most exciting discoveries came when he and colleague Dr. Bruno Fazenda visited a full-size concrete replica of Stonehenge, with all the original stones intact. It was built as a war memorial by American road builder Sam Hill in Maryhill, Wash.

“We were able to get some interesting results when we visited the replica by using computer-based acoustic analysis software, a 3D soundfield microphone, a dodecahedronic speaker, and a huge bass speaker from a PA company,” he told The Daily Telegraph.

“By comparing results from paper calculations, computer simulations based on digital models, and results from the concrete Stonehenge copy, we were able to come up with some of these theories about the uses of Stonehenge.

“We have also been able to reproduce the sound of someone speaking or clapping in Stonehenge 5,000 years ago.

“The most interesting thing is we managed to get the whole space [at Maryhill] to resonate, almost like a wine glass will ring if you run a finger round it.

“While that was happening a simple drum beat sounded incredibly dramatic. The space had real character; it felt that we had gone somewhere special,” he said.

(Brad’s Thoughts “GIVE IT A REST BITCH!”)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are apparently on the verge of adopting another child - this time a two-year-old girl from Ethiopia.

It seems the couple, who already have three adopted children and three biological children, will fly to the country’s capital Addis Ababa to adopt the toddler, Grazia reports.

The girl is apparently a ward of an orphanage.

“Brad and Angelina have seen pictures of a two-year-old girl they’d love to adopt,” a source claimed.

“If everything goes to plan, Angelina will file papers in person in Addis Ababa in the New Year and they will pick up their new daughter two days later.”

Angelina has said previously that she would like to adopt another child from Africa so that Ethiopian daughter Zahara, three, has an African sibling.

The couple also have Maddox, seven, from Cambodia, Pax, five, from Vietnam, and biological children Shiloh, two, and six-month-old baby twins Knox and Vivienne.

(From www.pollstar.com) 

Headbanging to Metallica, Motorhead or Megadeth could be hazardous to your health, according to the British Medical Journal.

Declan Patton and Andrew McIntosh from the School for Risk and Safety Sciences at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, have studied how heavy metal afficionados jerk their heads to a beat - and the effect it has on their brains.

The Patton and McIntosh research on “headbanging techniques” suggests that thrashing about “like an electro-shocked rabbit” may cause similar effects to whiplash.

The report explains that a typical death-metal rhythm of 146 beats-per-minute or faster, combined with head-banging arcs of at least 45 degrees, will likely cause “mild head and neck injury.” Faster tempos and wider arcs could lead to “definite risks of mild traumatic brain injury.”

Anecdotal evidence also points to the potential health hazards of thrash rock, the survey says.

“In 2005, doctors believed that Terry Balsamo, the guitarist from Evanescence, experienced a stroke from head banging,” the report notes.

The study also used what it calls “the theoretical headbanging model,” which measures the all-important beats per minute and the degrees of head arc, to show rebellious cartoon teenager Beavis in little danger of harming himself - but Butt-head could be in real trouble.

Having studied film of the two headbanging to The Ramones’ “I Wanna Be Sedated” at 164 beats per minute, the Aussies discovered Beavis’ head arc is about 45 degrees, which is below the injury threshold.

Butt-head has a bigger problem. He headbangs with a range of motion of about 75 degrees, which is likely to cause risk of “level one” injuries including painful headaches and dizziness.

Apparently, Butt-head also butts his head much faster than Beavis.

Patton and McIntosh, who attended hard rock and heavy metal concerts in the course of their research, suggest metal fans wear a neck brace while headbanging, or “stick to listening to Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Enya and Richard Clayderman.”

Before

After