By Gordon Keith

You know what is worse than being a sloppy drunk on New Year’s Eve? Being sober and surrounded by sloppy drunks on New Year’s Eve. I know I risk sounding like your grandmother when I say, “Your grandfather does it like a sex-crazed stallion should … and also, don’t drink,” but I must say it anyway.

Here is a sampling of the drunks I ran into on New Year’s Eve.
Recognize any of them?

The Hollering “Vegas!” Guy: This guy wants everyone within a bullet’s range to hear his witty genius. The problem is that his genius is quoting movie lines and getting them wrong.

The Close Talker: This person, when drunk, gets way up in your grill. He or she spits consonants all over your face while you try to ignore the fire breath and inane remarks. Reflexively, you consider kissing them, but then realize they are the wrong sex. Or are they …

The Sick Drunk: Two hours into the night and she’s sitting out on the curb with her forehead on her knees while one of her fat friends rubs her back. An hour and a half of doing her hair, and now her friend is using bar napkins to wipe out the chunks.

The Point Repeater: This is the guy who issues the same point over and over, with very little change in wording or information, trying to convince you of something nobody cares about. “Dude, you don’t even understand. Grape jelly is totally soooo good.
It’s effing badass!”

The Sexual Girl: This girl is naturally demure, but after a few drinks, she’s trying to make out with the parking lot attendant. She will show her mammaries to strangers and will stick her tongue down the throat of a short guy before throwing up in a urinal.

The Smiling Mute With No Balance: This is the only one of the lot that I like. He is usually propped up against a wall while his friends are arguing with The Point Repeater. He walks as if downhill is every which way, and he is always smiling like a foreigner holding in a funny joke he doesn‘t fully understand.

However, there is one drunk who is charming, clever and as cute as a movie star:

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